Tour Mind
by Corration
Summary: Sarah Palin is back, and Cartman sees the destruction she will bring if she runs for President. He decides to stop here, once and for all, seeing why reporters are truly curious in her.


Stan, Butters, and Kyle were playing video games in Stan's house. They were playing Assassin's Creed Brotherhood for the XBox 360.

"Dude, I'm kicking your ass," said Stan.

"No way dude. I'm going to get you first."

The door opened as a fat kid in a red jacket ran in.

"You guys! You guys!"

"What is it Cartman?" asked Stan.

"You are not going to believe this!"

"Just tell us, fat boy," said Kyle.

"You know what Kyle. If you call me fat one more time, I'll rip your balls and make you suck on them," Cartman replied, sending angry eyes at Kyle.

"Just tell us."

Cartman faced the guys in general.

"You know that bitch."

"Who?" asked Butters.

"Yeah, who?" repeated Stan.

"That bitch from T.V."

"Khloe Kardashian?" guessed Kyle.

"No."

"Angelina Pivarnick?" guessed Stan.

"No. The biggest bitch in the world."

"Steven Cojocaru," said Butters.

"No. Wait. Who the fuck is she?"

"A female fashion designer."

"A fashion designer?" repeated Stan.

"Yeah. She's from Canada. She was an American Idol and The Daily Show."

There was a pause of silence.

"Butters," breathed Cartman. "Why are you so gay? Fashion designers are all men dressing up like girls to become what they never will truly be."

"Oh," said Butters, disappointed.

"Just tell us," said Stan.

"Okay. Okay. Sarah Palin."

Stan and Kyle looked at each other. They looked down at Cartman from the purple couch they sat on.

"No way dude."

"I'm not kidding. Watch."

Cartman went up to the television and turned the XBox off.

"I was about to win."

"Shut up, Butters! This is more important."

He flipped through the channels and stopped on the news. The anchorman sat in a chair behind a desk. An image of Sarah Palin waving to the cameras was next to him.

"In other news, Sarah Palin is making a comeback once again. She has begun touring around the country, stopping to shake a few hands, signing a few autographs, and giving her opinions about the country. Is she running for President? We don't care, but we have nothing better to do, so we asked her. Here's Jet the Creeper."

The screen changed to a man standing in front of a huge bus with American symbols and landscapes and Sarah Palin's signature. The man wore a brown jacket and a simple hockey mask.

"Thanks Tom. It is true that Sarah Plain is traveling around in an Americanized tour bus. She's taking her family around the country, stopping in several places. She said that it isn't for Presidency, but she mentions her opinions about the country and what should be done about it. Palin is now traveling in Colorado. There are rumors that she will come to South Park. Since we got nothing better to do, we'll keep you updated."

Cartman turned towards his friends.

"See. Sarah Palin is running for President."

"There is no proof of that," said Kyle.

"Kyle, didn't you see the bus? I mean who would travel around in a bus with the American bald eagle, the Constitution, the American flag, and her own signature. My friends, if she does become President, the country will be destroyed. It will be Obama all over again."

"We can't do nothing," said Stan. "She's somewhere in Colorado. That doesn't mean she'll stop here."

"Maybe," breathed Cartman. "Maybe not."

* * *

><p>Sarah Plain sat on a leather table couch. She was reading her email. Soon, a message popped up. She clicked on it and read it.<p>

Dear Sarah Palin,

I am an eight year old boy from South Park. I have been a fan of yours and understand why you care. You want to see this great nation prosper back before most people lost their jobs. I can't wait until a day like that comes, but I'm afraid I won't be here. I have cancer in my pancreas. Doctors say I have a ninety-nine chance of living, but I'm not taking the one percent. I just hope I can see you before it's too late for me. You have inspired me to believe in America again.

Your Fan,

Eric Cartman

Sarah Palin called out to her husband, who was driving.

"What is it?"

"How far is South Park from here?"

"South Park?"

"Yes. I want to go there."

"Why?"

"Because a kid might die soon. Doctors say that there is a one-percent chance he'll die."

"Okay. So there's a well chance he will live."

"But I'm not taking that one chance of him dying."

"Hell, I got more chances of dying, and you don't care about me."

"Would your vote help me win?"

"It could."

"But it's very unlikely. Just go."

Her husband grunted and took to the direction of South Park.

* * *

><p>Stan and Kyle were waiting for the school bus. Kenny couldn't go to school because he was sick. They waited patiently until they heard Cartman running their way. They looked at him.<p>

"You guys. The bitch with sand in her vagina is coming."

"Sarah Palin is coming here?" wondered Stan.

"Yeah, dude. She'll be here around lunchtime."

"Lunchtime?" wondered Kyle. "Good, I don't have to see her."

Thus bus pulled up. The bus driver opened the door. Stan and Kyle were about to step in when the Hispanic bus driver's voice stopped them.

"School has been cancelled."

"What?" questioned Stan.

"Si. Sarah Palin is coming. I don't know why school is closed for her, but I don't make the rules. See ya."

The bus doors closed, and the bus took off. Stan and Kyle looked at Cartman.

"Why would Sarah Palin stop here?" wondered Stan.

Kyle narrowed his eyes at Cartman.

"It's all Cartman's fault."

"Why are you putting the blame on me?" he asked innocently.

"Because only you would have the power to trick someone stupid."

Cartman's eyes widened as he stood silent for five seconds. His eyes returned to normal, and he looked at Kyle.

"Yes, I did, but you don't understand. I want Sarah Palin to not run for President. My plan is to make her come here and get that sand out of her vagina. C'mon. We got to get ready."

Cartman started to run as Stan and Kyle watched him. Feeling no one following him, he looked back.

"Seriously you guys. Come on."

"No way dude. I'm just going to go home."

Stan started to walk home. Kyle wordlessly walked home.

"Fine! Go home! Just don't come crying to me when she becomes the next dictator and makes you watched educational videos."

He then said to himself, "Whose bright idea was to make educational movies?"

* * *

><p>Stan reached his house and walked through the door. His family was already downstairs. They appeared to be waiting for him.<p>

"Are you ready Stan?" asked Randy, Stan's father.

"Sarah Palin is coming to town."

"No, Dad. I don't want to see Sarah Palin. I just want to stay home and play video games."

"We all do."

Stan's eyes widened.

"Then why don't you?"

Randy sighed and knelt down.

"I don't know why son, but we must go. We must give her our attention. Please understand. We don't want to do this, but we have no choice. It's like a spell."

"It's easy not to go. Watch."

Stan walked to the couch and sat down. He turned on the T.V. Randy stood in bewilderment.

"What the… Son, how can you sit there?"

"It's very easy. Just sit down."

Randy approached the couch. He sat down and felt uneasy. He jumped up.

"I can't. I have to go see Sarah Palin. You stay here, my strong son. We will be there until five. Wish us luck."

Stan's family walked out of the house to go to City Hall, where Sarah Palin would be. Stan flipped through the channels.

"I will have no part in this."

* * *

><p>Sarah Palin arrived at City Hall. She was standing behind a tall lectern, addressing reporters and citizens alike. Her bus was behind her.<p>

"My. My. I am glad to arrive to this humble community with great folks."

The crowd of people cheered.

"What inspired me to come here where folks like yourselves. You remind me of my home in Alaska, and I thank you."

Cartman was part of the crowd. He was in the back of the crowd on a boulder. He rolled his eyes.

"Keep on talking bitch," he mumbled. "Your time will be over."

Butters saw Cartman and walked to him. He held a gun.

"Okay. I got the gun."

Cartman looked at the gun and slapped Butters.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Butters, what is this?"

"A gun."

"Are you an idiot? This is a BB gun."

"Of course it is. We are not supposed to have real guns."

"God, I hate you Butters. Okay. Aim over there."

Butters aimed for Sarah Palin. Cartman stopped him.

"What the hell are you doing Butters?"

"I'm aiming at Sarah Palin."

"I wasn't pointing at her! I want you to shoot down the antenna."

On the bus was an antenna that stood a foot tall. Butters looked at Cartman.

"Why?"

"You know why Sarah Palin has reporters following her? It is because she has a mind-control device."

"A mind-control device?"

"Yes. It's simple. To raise her awareness, she mind-controls people into thinking she's really cool when all she has is sand in her cunt. Now, shoot it."

"But Eric, I don't want to get grounded again."

"Shoot it, or I swear to God I will drag your balls around and tie them to the school flag and throw thumbtacks at you."

"Okay, okay."

Butters aimed for the antenna and fired. The bullet hit one of the legs of the antenna and broke it, bouncing off and hitting the other leg next to it. With both legs broken, the antenna fell apart. The people looked up in horror as the antenna fell over and hit Sarah Palin's husband, knocking him out. Cartmen was impressed and looked over at the shaking Butters.

"Nice shot Butters."

The crowd looked around, confused.

"What's going on?" asked Mr. Garrison.

Randy saw Sarah Palin.

"What the hell is Sarah Palin doing here?"

Sarah Palin was in shocked.

"The mind-controlling device. It's down."

"Why are we all here?" asked a man.

"Let's see," said Randy. "There's only one reason why we are all here with Sarah Palin. We must be an angry mob."

They looked angrily at the panicking Sarah Palin.

"Let's get her!" yelled Gerald, Kyle's dad.

The mob started to chase the already running Sarah Palin. Kyle walked up to Cartman and Butters. They were smiling.

"Well, thanks to me and Butters, America is a safer place."

"Yeah," agreed Butters. "Boy, oh boy. Sarah Palin's sand will probably slow her down."

"Stop it Butters. Sarah Palin does not have sand in her vagina."

"How do you know, Kyle? Who else would start running for President and quit and then goes out, looking like they are running again?"

"I heard Donald Trump quit the nomination, but he said he might come back," said Butters.

"Then he must be the other."

Cartman stood there, absorbing what Butters told him.

"I'm going home."

Kyle left. Butters nervously tapped his fingers together and left Cartman alone. Cartman finally processed what Butters had told him.

"He must be terminated."


End file.
